THE CONFESSIONS OF JEREMY PERFECT

This is still a work in progress…

ROSA Perfect, 34

JEREMY Perfect (Rosa’s husband), 39

ANNIE Garde, (Rosa’s sister), 39

JOE Perfect (Jeremy’s brother), 33

SIMONE Steele, (Joe’s partner), 22

*Please note, if you’re interested in doing a play reading or staging this play, it is still a work in progress.  For the most updated version, and/or a complete copy of this play, please contact us.

_______________________________________

ACT ONE   

 SCENE 1    KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM      DAY

A small open plan style kitchen/living area of an inner city Victorian house. The room is neat and ordered, in spite of its clutter.   At the very back of this room, is the beginning of a narrow staircase leading to an attic. 

At the side of this room is a doorway leading to a hallway, which in turn leads to the front door, unseen.

**The sound of a crying baby pulses in from an illuminated baby monitor permanently positioned on the kitchen bench.

To one side of the stage is an exterior verandah on which sits an old couch..

At the kitchen table, JEREMY PERFECT sits at his laptop and types.  Beside him sits his wife, ROSA.  JEREMY is affected by the crying of their baby, CARL. He pauses as the crying rises slightly, then taps on his keyboard again and pushes it over to ROSA.  She approves.

ROSA:  Mmm. 

JEREMY:  More..?

She leans in again and reads as he writes, starting to run her hands inside his shirt as he goes.  

ROSA:  Pull your chair out.

He pulls back and she sidles herself onto his lap.  

ROSA (CONT’D):  Keep writing –

JEREMY:  I can’t see…

ROSA:   Keep going!

He continues tapping behind her, unable to see the computer screen.  She pushes back into him and places his hand inside her thigh.  

ROSA (CONT’D):  Oh God you’re good.  You’d make a fortune writing this stuff…

He growls and bites her neck, still trying to type.

ROSA (CONT’D):   Ow!  Watch it you dog.

JEREMY:  Leaving my mark.

He puts a hand on her breast.  She flinches. 

JEREMY (CONT’D):  Still sore..

ROSA:  He’s due for a feed.  (Jeremy reacts) 

JEREMY:  Don’t you think you should feed him first?

ROSA:  Just let’s DO THIS for God’s sake!  Crying makes him sleepy.  The aneasthetic in his tears.   

**The crying stops.  Silence.  ROSA grins victoriously –

ROSA:  See?  Come on baby, please?

- then starts to kiss him on the neck.  He pushes her off him.

JEREMY:  I should’ve googled what this does before we started.  

ROSA:  Oh no.  

JEREMY:  I just don’t get how you can..

ROSA:  Crying is good for his lungs.  

JEREMY (googling madly):  Don’t believe you..

ROSA:  We only do it when he’s exhausted.  

JEREMY:  What - ignore him?  

ROSA:  I’m doing this for Carl.

JEREMY:  You’re doing this for sex.

ROSA (trying to straddle him):  Come on!  It’s been so long…

JEREMY (reading from screen):  You know why he stopped?  He’s in primal paralysis.  He’s now convinced you’ve been killed by a sabre toothed tiger and he’s next – he is (next!)

ROSA (OVER):  Why do you always do this? 

JEREMY (reading):  His heartbeat’s racing, his cortisone and adrenaline are through the roof.  Jesus.  They’ve done blood tests on babies and..

ROSA:  Now that’d stress out a baby, a blood test.  

JEREMY:  This is monstrous.

ROSA:  He stops crying because he’s exhausted.  We both are.

JEREMY:  If you’re so tired why do you want sex?

ROSA:  BECAUSE IT RELAXES ME!  

Pause.

JEREMY (still reading):   Maybe this is what Mum did to me?  Maybe that’s why I’m always so anxious.

ROSA:  That’d be right.  Blame the mother.  You’re anxious because your father was anxious and you’ve stopped taking your meds. 

JEREMY:  No I haven’t.

ROSA:  I found them in the bin.  

Pause.  

JEREMY:  Why is it always ME who has to take something?  

ROSA:  I’m not the one fantasizing about stabbing everybody in the hardware store.

JEREMY:  That was (once –)

ROSA:  What about that old lady you nearly pushed down the stairs?

JEREMY:  I didn’t though did I?

ROSA:  You thought about it.

JEREMY:   I WAS IN A HURRY.

ROSA:  And what about the red lights fantasy?  How can I trust you to drive your child around if –

JEREMY:  I’d never – .

ROSA:  Well then what about Uber? 

JEREMY:  I hate Uber. (pause)  What’ve we got for them to eat?

ROSA:  Don’t change the subject.  (pause)  Didn’t you do that shop?

JEREMY:  I’ve been writing and babysitting.  

ROSA:  It’s called fathering.  Anyway Annie’s bringing something.  

JEREMY:  Oh no.

ROSA:  She wants to cook them a meal.

JEREMY:  Can’t we have one night off?

ROSA:  She doesn’t have a kitchen.  

JEREMY:  You know how she gets with - people.  

ROSA:  Fine.  You cook then.  (The baby starts to sob)  How long are they staying anyway?  (JEREMY heads for the door)  Did you ask about rent? 

JEREMY:   He’s my brother for Christ’s (sake) 

ROSA (OVER):  Where you going?

JEREMY:  To COMFORT our CHILD.

ROSA:  DO NOT.  MOVE.  

JEREMY hesitates, then makes a huge decision: he walks out to tend to the baby.  ROSA runs to the baby moniter and starts talking through it.

ROSA (CONT’D):  We need a second income.  I cannot do this on my own.  You’ve got to get back on the meds. (PAUSE)  Put his dummy back in.

JEREMY (from baby moniter):  The last lot made me feel suicidal –

ROSA (into baby moniter):  You only felt it you didn’t do it.  

**The baby starts to settle.

JEREMY (from baby moniter):  Still.  Ironic don’t you think?  

ROSA (into baby moniter):  It’s no big deal.  They’ve done studies.  

There is a pause.  He’s standing in the doorway.

JEREMY:  And?

ROSA:  And sure.  More people actually contemplate or try to commit suicide when they first take certain anti depressants –  But less people actually succeed.  

JEREMY:  You knew this – and still put me on them?  What if I’d -?

ROSA:  You wouldn’t have.  I know you.  And anyway IF you’d tried - which you wouldn’t have - you wouldn’t have succeeded.  Well, highly unlikely anyway.  (JEREMY stares at her)  What?

JEREMY:  I can’t talk to you anymore.  

ROSA:  Of course you can baby.  I am trained.  I am TRAINED to help you.  How lucky are you?    

She tries to caress him.  He pulls back guiltily.

ROSA (CONT’D):  What?  What is it? 

JEREMY shakes a little in annoyance.  

JEREMY:  Nothing.

ROSA:  Come on.

JEREMY:  I had another – you know.  Thing.  

ROSA:  Go on.

JEREMY:  It’s no big deal.

ROSA:   Tell me.

JEREMY:  You promise you won’t get -?

He does a little panicking gesture with his hands.  She smiles a professional smile.  

JEREMY (CONT’D):  I mean I know where it’s coming from.  

ROSA:  So do I.  Your father. 

JEREMY:  Not my father!  You always say that.  You’d be anxious too.  Waiting on these fucking publishers.  Does your head in.

ROSA:  I know honey.  

JEREMY:  They said three weeks.  Three WEEKS and it’s been three MONTHS.  

ROSA (closing the laptop):  Talk to me.  

JEREMY:  I bet you’re always thinking of things to do to me you just don’t admit it.  

ROSA:  You’re right.  I am always thinking of things to do to you.  

JEREMY:  High dopamine levels.  I googled it.  Makes you want to have sex all the time.

ROSA:  All the time.  Very funny.  (pause)  

Pause. She sits back and looks at him, shrugs, while she waits.

JEREMY (hesitantly):  You know when we were standing on the corner outside the pub?  

ROSA:  When?  

JEREMY:  The other night.

ROSA:  Oh you mean that little date we - ?

JEREMY:  Yeah yeah yeah.  Yeah. (pause)  Remember how close we were to the traffic?  I suddenly thought – what if – what if I was to push you, you know, into the -? 

ROSA (professional tone):  How did it make you feel?

JEREMY:  I dunno.  Like it always does.  Sort of ‘Fuck whoa why am I thinking like this?’ 

ROSA:  Did you think you might act on it?

JEREMY:  NO!  GOD!  NO!  I mean, I think it’s just like a way to make me feel like shit.  Or more bonded.  I always feel so guilty afterwards I sort of feel more protective of you.  It’s weird. 

ROSA:    So is that why we nearly had sex?  That night?  Because you suddenly felt the need to be closer? Or guilty?  Or more protective?

JEREMY:  What?  No!  I don’t know.

ROSA:  There’s a packet of Effamax in the bedside drawer.  

JEREMY:  It’s not like I’d ever DO anything.  That’s just what writers do.  What do you think Stephen King does at the traffic lights? 

ROSA:  You are not Stephen King –

ROSA starts folding nappies  

JEREMY:  And you are not my shrink!

ROSA:  I sort of am when you think about it.

JEREMY:  What if they make me suicidal?

ROSA:  What if they make you happy?

JEREMY:  Can’t I see someone else?  Someone at your work?

ROSA:  Can’t afford it.

JEREMY:  Haven’t you got a student friend who’ll – listen for the practice or -?

ROSA:  And how do you think I’d feel?  Them knowing all your flaky little secrets?  Come on.  Do you really want another restraining order from that librarian?  

JEREMY:  She over reacted.

ROSA:  You were holding the book over her head.

JEREMY (trying to explain by holding arms up in air etc)  I told you.  I was TRYING to get PAST her.   I was holding a book up like this!  One book!

ROSA:  An encyclopedia.

JEREMY:  And I remember thinking – she’s going to think this is weird.  

ROSA:  What a surprise.

JEREMY: (ROSA smirks a little)  You think I’m weird too admit it.

ROSA:  You’re unusual.  

JEREMY:  So you do.  You really do think I’m weird.  You’re not just saying it.  Come on.  Say it.  Say I’m weird.

ROSA:  Okay.  You’re weird.

Pause.  He’s a little disappointed by this.

JEREMY:  Couldn’t it be that everyone else is weird too, they just don’t admit it. 

We’re all weird, I’m just more – honest and - brave? 

Long pause.  ROSA smiles patiently.

ROSA: Try these new ones, okay?  For me.  For Carl.  For your little brother.

She holds his face and kisses him.  He melts.  He takes her in his arms and they rock together.  

**The baby’s cries are insistent.  He tries to pull away but she squeezes him harder to her.  It becomes almost a tussle.  Finally he pulls himself away and walks out the door.  Feeling humiliated, she walks over to the baby monitor and presses the button. 

ROSA:  Jerry?  Jerry!

JEREMY (O/S, from the baby monitor):  What?

ROSA:  Check on the room temperature.  He’s probably too hot.  Don’t make eye contact.  And check his rash would you?  Check his rash.   Hold on.  (clutching breasts)  He needs a feed.

ROSA exits.