THE BIG JUMP

This one act, two hander, won Best Original Play at Anglesea’s One Act Play Festival, 2016

It covers a very serious topic, with an unexpected and uplifting ending.

A One Act Play by Sandy Fairthorne

Best Original Play

Best Actor

Anglesea Regional OAPF

_______________________

The build up of music (violin possibly)…until it suddenly reaches a crescendo and comes to a jarring halt…

MAN: It’s the way that she said it – It was so down pat.

WOMAN: It was the words that she used.

TOGETHER: I just sort of snapped.

WOMAN: I’d asked how my little girl was doing after surgery. The guy driving the car said -

MAN (DOING VOICE OF GUY): “I’m sorry. She just came out of nowhere”

WOMAN: And then he’d said – like I was a really bad mother -

MAN: “Why the hell was the gate unlocked?”

WOMAN: He was right. Lock needed a fix. She could always squeeze out. It was one of her tricks.. “She likes the freedom,” I lied.

MAN: “Well -

TOGETHER: “He/ She died,”

MAN: Says the check out chick.

TOGETHER: “He’s/ She’s dead.

WOMAN: Said the vet.

MAN: Just like that.

WOMAN/MAN: What?” I say.

WOMAN: “Hemorrhage,” she says.

MAN: “Heart attack,” she says.

TOGETHER: “Finito.”

MAN: She was Italian/

WOMAN: My vet’s Italian.

TOGETHER: I just look at her –

MAN: “What’re ya talking about?” I say.

WOMAN: “I’m sorry,” she says

MAN: “Not a thing we could do.”

WOMAN: And the vet lifts her limp little body into my arms.

MAN: And the checkout chic turns back to her checkout.

WOMAN: She’s still warm. It’s just like she’s sleeping.

MAN: And goes back to work.

TOGETHER: I just stand there..

WOMAN: She’s still so warm. It’s just like she’s breathing.

MAN: “You mean he died here, at the checkout?” I say.

TOGETHER: And I start to sob.

MAN: And she says –

WOMAN (as check out assistant, putting products through the checkout as she speaks): “At the checkout. Just doing his job.”

TOGETHER: “I’m sorry,” she said -

WOMAN: -in that way –

TOGETHER: - people do -

MAN: - when they couldn’t care less,

WOMAN: -when they don’t give a - poo.

MAN: So I go to the self serve with my box of fish fingers.

WOMAN: So the girl at the desk then deletes all her details.

MAN; And I put all my food through that check out instead.

WOMAN: And they give me a leaflet about pet cremation services.

Pause. MAN zombi like gestures scanning groceries. WOMAN makes ‘bip’ bip bip sound like the heart moniter in a hospital and also like the bip of a supermarket cash register.

TOGETHER: Dead.

MAN: - And I pack the fish fingers in those grey plastic bags I’m still using, (WOMAN: BIP) And remember how Juan had said –

WOMAN (as JUAN, with Spanish accent): Please bring a basket

MAN: He’d said –

WOMAN (as JUAN): These they get caught in the necks of the dolphins my friend. And that’s a terrible way dolphin to end.

MAN: And suddenly I’m having visions of fish getting caught up in shopping bags, (WOMAN: BIP) and dolphins mistaking them for food and remembering how –(WOMAN: BIP) - Juan once said –

WOMAN (in voice of Juan): When I was small boy I would feesh with my farder. Do you too? Like the sea?”

WOMAN starts to sing faintly, a sad tune, that builds up slowly as he continues..

MAN: And I suddenly think “Why didn’t I ask him – –(WOMAN: BIP) - why did I not just ask him out fishing with me? (WOMAN: BIP) He would’ve loved it. Why didn’t I? Cos I’m gutless and stupid and woossy? (WOMAN: BIP) –-And suddenly I think I’m going to cry. Jesus. In the supermarket. Who cries in supermarkets? (WOMAN: BIP) So as normal as someone like me can look, I start walking out the door, with that chorus of - (WOMAN: BIP) - friggin ‘bips’ behind me – thinking one step at a time just get to the car…

WOMAN singing up, maybe “Flight of the Earls”? “The Water is Wide…”?

MAN: - and there is some bloody busker on the footpath playing the saddest song I’ve ever heard…and suddenly I just -

TOGETHER: SNAP -

MAN: There on the footpath. I drop my fish fingers and start to weep. Right from the gut. I have lost Juan, my Coles check out assistant, the only man I’ve ever trusted, and I am a total mess. And I look up at the sky and cry, like the loser I am -‘Bloody typical, ya bastard.” And I’m dribbling and snorting and leaning against the window. And everyone starts walking around me with their heads down, and keeping their kids on the other side of them, as if I’m a psycho coming down off some street drug. And that bloody busker sings on, worried that if she stops I’ll suddenly strangle her with a grey plastic shopping bag. And I look up at someone nervously walking past and say – “It’s okay. It’s just – Juan. Juan’s died. (singing stops) You know (the check out guy?)/

WOMAN (OVER): The check out guy? The Spanish one?

MAN: Yeah. Him.

WOMAN: That is so sad.

MAN: “Yeah,” I say, “It is. Isn’t it.” And I’m thinking we might be going to have a bit of a chat when –

WOMAN smiles politely and glances at her watch.

MAN: And she kind of looks at me and through me at the same time. As if she’s Kerry Ann Kennerly about to go to a commercial. ‘Don’t worry,” I say, “You go.”

WOMAN: You sure?

MAN: I’m fine.”

WOMAN: They find me eventually. I’m sitting on the toilet at the vets, using toilet paper as tissues. They knock really politely. A child needs to use it. I get up and open the door. The child stares up at me in shock. It’s funny isn’t it? The way children cry so easily but get such a shock when they see adults do the same thing?

MAN (in voice of small boy): What’s wrong with the lady Mum?

WOMAN: - he says. And I look down and say, “I’m okay sweetie. I’ve just lost my little friend. I’ll be fine.” And I wave and totter out, still carrying a toilet roll.

Pause.

WOMAN: And I want to ask if I can take her after all. If I can take her home with me. Secretly I’m thinking of pulling out a mirror when we get home and checking that she’s definitely dead. I don’t think she is. She was too warm to be dead. Like my mother. When she died I checked with a mirror just to be sure. Sure enough I was right. There was mist on the mirror. My psychiatrist didn’t believe me ofcourse. Called it –

MAN: “Denial”

WOMAN: Said it was –

MAN: -one of the four stages of grief. Denial. And anger. Then follows depression. And - finally - acceptance.

WOMAN: He liked things being divided like that. Made him feel more organized. Putting feelings in boxes.

MAN (as sympathetic receptionist, head to one side): Do you have a garden? Somewhere you could bury her?

WOMAN: Says the receptionist.

WOMAN shakes her head.

MAN (as receptionist): Why don’t you select a little tin for her ashes? How about this one, with the pink bow on the lid?

WOMAN: And I nod my head and I know they’re thinking ‘When is this woman going to leave?” So I walk out without her, and drive home with the front passenger seat empty, only still covered in her white dog hair and I have flashes of her darling face, staring out the windscreen as we drive to the beach, tail thumping and tongue out. I can hear her whimper as we pass her favourite park –

MAN whimpers and pants.

WOMAN: And I get home and I collect all her hair – all those bits of her I used to curse – from the car and the couch and the bed, (man barks) from all my coats and jumpers, from the bed linen and towels and somehow the pantry cupboard, the saucepans and bread bin – (man pants and barks) - God knows how it got into the bread bin - and I carefully bunch it all together and tie it with a pink ribbon so that when I put it against my cheek – I can almost feel her white satiny coat again.

MAN (imitating someone holding the phone to their ear while on the computer): “Ohh, that’s so sad!”

WOMAN: Says my second cousin once removed when I tell him the news –

(THE MAN begins to make light ‘tap tap tap’ sounds)

WOMAN: And I swear I hear the tap of a keyboard in the silence that follows.

MAN: I’m so sorry. (tap tap tap)

WOMAN: They put her dowd this afterdood.”

MAN: “Dowd?”

WOMAN: - he says, like it’s a joke,

MAN: “Did you just say dowd?”

WOMAN; “Doe,” I say, trying to sound matter of fact, (tap tap) “I’ve just got a blocked doze.” And he laughs.

MAN: “Ha ha ha!”

WOMAN: “I’ve got a cold,” I lie, and hang up.

MAN: Click!

Pause.

WOMAN (as Juan, with Spanish accent): Helllooo!

MAN: He’d say.

WOMAN: How are you today my friend?

MAN: And we’d chat, while he put the groceries through. And not even a beer between us. He took my hand once. Didn’t feel weird or anything. When I told him I lived alone.

WOMAN: “You will find someone to love. One day. You must believe.”

MAN: And then he hugged me. Right there, at the Coles check out, with a queue of eight people waiting to be served. And I walked out thinking, “That’s the first time someone’s actually hugged me for years.”

WOMAN: And I stare into space and wonder - What’s the point?

MAN: Why bother?

WOMAN: Who cares?

MAN: Who gives a – crap?

TOGETHER: Snap!

Pause..

WOMAN: Later that night, I go to the oven. That’s where I keep my books. Since Mum died, there’s not much point in cooking. And the flat’s pretty small. So I pull out some book called - “On Death and Dying” – open it up.. and find myself staring at the blank bits. “That’s where I want to be,” I think, ‘in the spaces between the words. In the white.”

MAN: I drive home and do what I always do when things are bad. I do a round of the paddocks, check on the cattle. I’m driving past the gate when the neighbour‘s ute slows down and Bruce gives me a nod. I nod back. Then he slows down a bit more and calls out to me. I’m thinking “oh no, not again..”

WOMAN (as macho farmer neighbour): The wife’s got a few chicks coming round. You know. Single sort a thing. Drop round later on and -

MAN: “Not tonight. Thanks but - got a bit on.” And he looks at me kind of odd. The way farmers do when they reckon you’re a bit on the nose. When I get home I light the fire. I turn on the TV to get out of my head…but I know there’s only one thing’ll do that – and I walk to the shed in the mud and the rain. I pick up the gun that I leave in the gunrack –

WOMAN: And I stare at the oven and all of its switches –

MAN: And I check that it’s loaded – it is. It is loaded.

WOMAN: And just for a moment

MAN: For a miniscule second –

TOGETHER: I think -

WOMAN: I could do it.

MAN: I could do it right here.

Pause. Together they hesitate, then change their minds.

TOGETHER: -“Nah.”

WOMAN: Not here.

MAN: Not like this.

WOMAN: It’d be way too smelly.

MAN: Way too dramatic.

TOGETHER: But soon I will find it.

MAN: The place where I’ll do it-

TOGETHER: The spot –

WOMAN: - where I know –

MAN: I can -

TOGETHER: Disappear into.

WOMAN: The spot I can go –

MAN: Where I’ll no longer feel.

TOGETHER: Cos I’m –

WOMAN: So tired of being all alone in my feelings.

MAN: So tired of being alone in my head.

MAN: The truth is /

WOMAN: I’ve never understood –

MAN: I don’t even know –

TOGETHER: - what normal is.

MAN: I’m a misfit.

WOMAN: A loser

MAN: An outsider

WOMAN: A dud.

MAN: And normal?

WOMAN: What’s normal?

MAN: I don’t understand it.

WOMAN: When I try to converse it’s like trudging through mud.

BOTH MAN and WOMAN stand facing the audience.

MAN: Gidday.

WOMAN: Hi.

TOGETHER: Good thanks and you?

MAN: Good.

WOMAN: Good.

TOGETHER: And you? How are – Oh.

WOMAN: I’ve already asked that, haven’t I.

MAN: I’m fine.

WOMAN: I’m well.

TOGETHER: Thank you.

Pause. They both stand stock still, trying to think of something to say.

MAN: So. Good to –

WOMAN: Yeah you too.

TOGETHER: Gotta go. See ya.

Pause. They each watch someone walking away from them in opposite directions, then sigh with relief.

TOGETHER: I did have a family –

MAN: A long time ago now.

TOGETHER: Had a Mum and a Dad.

MAN: And a couple of cows.

WOMAN: By the time I was twelve things kinda went bad

MAN: Now looking back it was kinda sad.

TOGETHER: We were one of those families that kinda stuff up

WOMAN: Killed in a sack race

MAN: Killed by a coconut.

WOMAN: Swallowed a sock.

MAN: Taken by a croc.

WOMAN: Allergy to dust

MAN: Choked on a crust.

WOMAN: And one on a dare went down a hill in a kind of giant rubbish bin.

TOGETHER: We were all –

MAN: - wild or -

WOMAN: stupid –

MAN: A few roos short in the top paddock.

WOMAN: Dicky genes

MAN: You get the picture.

TOGETHER: Lacking in –

MAN: - optimism –

WOMAN: - confidence

TOGETHER: - and old fashioned guts.

WOMAN: Loser

MAN: Neurotic.

WOMAN: And possibly nuts.

Pause. The energy shifts slightly...in the background the sound of the ocean….

TOGETHER: So!

WOMAN: Yesterday –

MAN: I made a –

TOGETHER: A DECISION.

Pause..ocean music/singing gradually builds up. MAN and WOMAN face the audience… staring into space, smiling a little eerily…

WOMAN: There’s a beach.

MAN: Down off Eaglenest Road…there’s a little cove.

WOMAN: Got one hundred and twenty five steep steps down to a little circle of water.

MAN: I used to fish there once.

WOMAN: Used to walk Millie there years back.

MAN: There’s a ledge to the east...

WOMAN: There’s a ledge to the west.

TOGETHER: That’s the spot

WOMAN: That’ll do it.

MAN: Near the old eagles’ nest.

WOMAN: The tide’ll be in tomorrow at dawn.

MAN: I’ve checked out the tides.

WOMAN: No need for a funeral.

MAN: The sea will be arms that will take me away.

WOMAN: It’ll just be so lovely –

MAN: I’ll feed all the fishes.

WOMAN: To plan for this well, there is a real art.

MAN: What a great time to end it. Right on sparrow’s fart.

Beat..sad music begins to play…

MAN: I pack up my things..

WOMAN: I clean out the fridge…

MAN: Leave a note for the boss.

WOMAN: Leave a note for the cops.

MAN: Put on something simple.

WOMAN: And put on a dress.

TOGEHER: Something that won’t get caught on the way –

MAN: Pair of shorts and a tee shirt…

WOMAN: Something romantic.

MAN: And practical.

WOMAN: That’s easy to fall in. But pretty. Must be pretty. Something…

MAN: My tee shirt with ‘Born to Die’ on the front.

WOMAN: - floral.

MAN: With skulls.

WOMAN: And my favourite cardie –

MAN: And that big golden eye on the back.

They begin to walk slowly…

MAN: It’s early –

WOMAN: Just sunrise –

MAN: - I head into Aireys –

WOMAN: I am off – /up the track/

MAN: Up the track /– past the inlet…

WOMAN: Towards the old lighthouse

MAN: The lighthouse ahead.

They stop for a moment and look around…the sound of sea is in the distance and perhaps a note or two of music, building here...

WOMAN: No one round./

MAN: No one round….

MAN: And it’s..

WOMAN: Quiet.

MAN: So quiet.

WOMAN: Peaceful.

MAN: So soft.

WOMAN: Only the waves…

MAN: The soft pounding below..

WOMAN: ..gently thudding below me…

MAN: Boom. boom.

WOMAN: Like a slow gentle heartbeat.

MAN: Boom boom

TOGETHER: I look down and think –

MAN: What a wonderful day /for it!

WOMAN (OVER): What a great day to die!

TOGETHER: Right here where I used to –

MAN: Go fishing

WOMAN: Go walking

TOGETHER: Just look at that sky!

MAN: So quiet.

WOMAN: So peaceful.

TOGETHER: So gentle and calm.

Pause.

WOMAN: The thud of the sea’s like a heartbeat below.

MAN: And I wend my way down through the bushes and scrub.

WOMAN: A few coastal plovers take flight as I go…

TOGETHER: And I’m overwhelmed with this feeling of love….

MAN: Just-

TOGHER: Me and the sea

WOMAN: that sweet pounding below.

MAN makes a soft pounding sound.

WOMAN: What a great day to do it.

MAN: What a great day to go.

TOGETHER: Just climb one more the fence and I’m –

They are coming from different directions as they physically collide with eachother. The reverie suddenly hits a wall of reality.

TOGETHER: Sorry!

They muse to themselves aloud.

MAN: What’s she doing here?

WOMAN: Who was that?

MAN: Stay cool.

WOMAN: Relax.

WOMAN: She’ll/He’ll be gone in a moment.

They continue walking, in opposite directions, looking back at each other every now and then, bothered and annoyed.

WOMAN: Go on then! Off you go!

MAN: Bugger off, will you?

Then they come to a stop, across the stage (or room) from each other and check the view.

MAN: Right then!/

WOMAN: Right then!

MAN: On my own at last.

WOMAN: It’s just me and the sea. / I look up.

MAN (together): I look out.

TOGETHER: The sun is rising, red and orange,

WOMAN: - like a bushfire rising up -.

MAN: - a cloud of brilliant orange over a deep green sea…

WOMAN: It’s like some sort of big farewell..

MAN: My earth is saying goodbye…

TOGETHER: And it’s beautiful.

MAN: So lovely.

WOMAN: So peaceful and gentle.

WOMAN and MAN both look down over their particular cliffs, on either side of the stage/room.

MAN: The ocean lies in wait for me..

WOMAN: The sea quivers like a baby’s tongue…

MAN: I remove my shoes and toss them over first..(he watches them fall)

WOMAN: I am taking off my sandals –/

MAN: I stand and inhale…

WOMAN: I stand and inhale…..

They take a breath together.

TOGETHER: (spotting eachother again) OH NO!

WOMAN: It’s that man again.

MAN: It’s that woman –

WOMAN: What’s he doing?/

MAN: What’s she up to?

WOMAN: Oh for God’s sakes -

MAN: She’s taking in the view!/

WOMAN: He’s taking in the view!

They both try to avoid eye contact.

MAN (QUIETLY, WISHFUL THINKING): Off you go then.

WOMAN ( “ “ ): Bugger off.

Pause. They both look away. Then look up at the other slowly.

MAN: I can’t believe the timing.

WOMAN: How is that for timing?

TOGETHER: Talk about wrecking the moment.

They continue to glance over at eachother then..

TOGETHER: Oh what the hell.

MAN: She can’t do anything from there anyway…

WOMAN: He can’t rescue me from that distance…

They both begin to edge their way closer to the edge of the cliff, firstly by standing. They look over the edge, and hesitate and look up at each other again.

TOGETHER: What’s she/he doing?

Together they both look away quickly.

TOGETHER: S/he’s not about to..?/

MAN: If she is, I’m going first.

WOMAN: He couldn’t be, surely?/ If he is /

MAN: If she is / I’m not going to bloody save her

WOMAN: I’m not going to bloody save him

TOGETHER: Bugger it!

MAN: I mean – if she wants to jump, be my guest.

TOGETHER: Don’t look at me!

MAN: I’m not gonna rescue her.

WOMAN: This is my death, not yours.

MAN: I’ve got enough going on.

They hesitate. The moment is being ruined.

MAN: Christ! What do I do?

WOMAN: If he’s going to jump, /he can bloody go first.

MAN: I’m going first.

WOMAN: I’m going to sit this out./

MAN: She can sit this out.

WOMAN: I’m only wearing a dress for God’s sake. I refuse to let him see my legs.

MAN: I’m definitely going first. I don’t care what they say about women going first. I’m going bloody first.

MAN edges his way further, watching her reaction as he does.

WOMAN: Oh God! He’s not going to –

TOGETHER: Oh God!

MAN: Stop watching me!

WOMAN: Stop watching him!

She very deliberately turns her head away.

TOGETHER: Oh God I can’t bear it!

WOMAN: Come on then! Get a move on!

MAN: I’m going to / -JUMP, dammit!

WOMAN: /JUMP dammit!

MAN: I don’t care if she’s scarred for life. Which won’t be long now anyway let’s face it. Okay. So – /come on then GO! JUMP! DO IT!

WOMAN: Come on then GO! JUMP! DO IT!

MAN finally takes a sort of half hearted leap, and lands, screaming with pain…

MAN: AAAAAAUGH!/

WOMAN (refusing to watch but hearing him and going out in sympathy): AAAAAAUGH!

THE WOMAN turns back and sees him stranded, still alive, but now clutching his leg.

MAN: OH NO! /

WOMAN: Oh no.

MAN: I’m STUCK.

WOMAN: He’s not… stuck?

WOMAN (CALLING OUT): What are you DOING?

MAN (CALLING OUT): What the fuck does it look like?

WOMAN (WALKING TOWARDS HIM FROM OTHER SIDE): Don’t swear at me!

MAN: She’s not – OH NO. Go away! Go away!

WOMAN: Bloody typical. Story of my LIFE.

She gets to his side of the ‘cliff’ and stands above him hands on hips. He pulls away.

MAN: What are you doing?

WOMAN: What do you THINK? I’m CONCERNED.

MAN: Well don’t be. Go away.

WOMAN: You’ve probably broken it.

MAN: What does it matter? I don’t want it anyway.

WOMAN: You need proper medical help

MAN: No I don’t. Not where I’m going. Goodbye.

He tries in vain to slide himself over the ledge, but yelps in pain again.

WOMAN: Come back and do this when you can stand.

MAN: Get stuffed.

WOMAN: You’ll never get off this ledge with that leg.

MAN: I will if you push me.

WOMAN: Don’t be stupid.

MAN: Come on. You have my permission. Just a good shove and I’m away. PLEASE!

WOMAN: What if someone sees? I’ll be up for murder.

MAN: What does it matter? You won’t be here.

WOMAN: I don’t touch people I don’t know.

MAN: Touch me! I dare you! Come on! Touch a stranger before you go!

WOMAN: You could be a murderer for all I know.

MAN: I’d be doing you a favour then, wouldn’t I? Come on! Both of us are here for the same thing. Come on! Help me please?

WOMAN: But I’d to have to go with you.

MAN: So?

WOMAN: I don’t want to be dragged off a cliff. I want to jump.

MAN: I’ll let go of you I promise.

WOMAN: Sure you will. I saw you - hesitate.

MAN: I did not hesitate.

WOMAN: You did. You want all – (she does an imitation of him wobbling nervously)

MAN: I’m ready for this. I’ve been ready much longer than you have.

WOMAN: Oh really?

MAN: Really. And I was watching you if you want to know. I was thinking – Great. Just what I need. Some perve watching me do the ONE THING I wanted to do ALONE.

WOMAN: Do you think I wanted to find YOU here? You think I want to be watched?

Pause. She considers…

MAN: Please. I’m a decent trustworthy guy. Please?

He holds out his hand. She slides down the ledge and ends up falling halfway down, landing next to him.

WOMAN: OW!

MAN: What’s wrong with you?

WOMAN: I’ve damaged MY ANKLE. (LOOKING OVER THE LEDGE)

MAN: Take my arm and yank –

She tries to take his bad arm.

MAN: YOW!

WOMAN: I hardly touched you!

MAN: YOU HURT MY ARM..

WOMAN: Let me look at it.

She struggles forward to check it more thoroughly.

MAN: What are you DOING?

WOMAN: You’ve done your arm as well.

MAN: Doesn’t matter. What does it matter? Who cares? Get me off this -

She lurches forward and realises she can hardly walk. She grabs hold of his arm to balance.

MAN: YOW!/

WOMAN: YOW!

WOMAN (LOOKING OVER CLIFF): Honestly. What a stupid choice.

MAN: What?

WOMAN: If you’re going to do this properly you should at least choose a ledge with a bit of a run up. You can’t just heave yourself ten feet over that ledge and hope you don’t land on this one. What an optimist!

MAN: Thank you for the lesson in how to kill yourself. I notice you’re still alive?

WOMAN: I mean, look at my ledge and then look at your ledge.

MAN: What is this? Master Ledge? Just get us off this one would you? (She looks out over the ledge, getting closer to the edge as she does) What are you doing now?

WOMAN: We need some velocity.

MAN: All I want to do is get out of here.

WOMAN: WELL SNAP to that!

MAN: So come on let’s DO IT.

He holds his arms out for her to take. She laughs heartily.

WOMAN: Ha ha ha HA.

MAN: What?

WOMAN: I’m just laughing.

MAN: Why?

WOMAN: Even when trying to top myself someone needs help. It’s always the same. I’ve got some sign on me that says “Here To Help”.

MAN: Can we go now? Please?

She yanks impatiently at his arm again.

MAN: YOW. Without hurting my arm?

WOMAN: Ha ha ha

MAN: What now?

WOMAN: I dunno. It’s just – if it’s not one thing it’s another.

MAN: You’re quite a weird one you know that?

WOMAN: I know. Ha ha ha.

MAN: Hilarious.

WOMAN: And look who’s talking? I mean – you’re most definitely not normal. I mean – look at you! Hahahahh.. Oh dear. Oh God I’d forgotten –

MAN: Forgotten what?

WOMAN: How good it is to laugh. Ha ha ha.

MAN: Can we get on with the job at hand? Come on! Push!

WOMAN: I CAN’T PUSH. You’re too heavy.

MAN: Well PULL me then! The good leg and the good arm! Come on! (She tries to hold onto his good leg and pulls.) AaaaauGH.

WOMAN: I cannot do this.

MAN: Keep going!

WOMAN: It’s not in my nature.

MAN: AaaaaauuuuGGH.

WOMAN: What if someone hears you?

MAN: Just a bit closer.

WOMAN: They’ll think –

MAN: What? What will they think?

WOMAN: I don’t know. You’re grunting like a pig –

MAN: They can think what they like. I’m in agony.

WOMAN: I really think you need –

MAN: JUST DO IT! COME ON! Let’s get this over with!

She tugs hard at his limbs, and slowly he beings to move towards the edge with her…She starts laughing again.

MAN: Look…it’s working…just a bit …further…come on! Augh! Look! We’re there! (He slaps her heartily on the back.) Well done! Not so hard was it?

They both look down at the sea together, looking really pleased with themselves.

WOMAN: Ready?

MAN: When you are…

She goes to push him, and as they get closer to going over, they both become mesmerized by the scene before them.. The sound of the sea increases…They are almost in an embrace of sorts as they look down…

MAN: Look at that view.

WOMAN: What a place to – to -.

MAN: It’s beautiful isn’t it?

MAN: I used to fish down there once. When I was young.

WOMAN: Really? That’s where I used to walk my dog.

MAN: I think I remember you.

WOMAN: Really?

MAN: You used to wear a red jacket. And your dog was little and white.

WOMAN: That’s right.

MAN: Yeah, with some guy with long hair and a beard.

WOMAN: That was my mother.

MAN: Man, that was a hair problem.

WOMAN: I know. I spend half my wage on beauticians.

THE MAN starts to laugh. The WOMAN smiles.

WOMAN: I can’t believe you remember me.

MAN: Do you remember me? At all? I mean..? (He waits, then immediately tries to cover his disappointment) It’s okay. No one does.

WOMAN: You do seem familiar…(snapping fingers in recognition) In the supermarket. Talking to Juan.

MAN: YOU KNEW JUAN?

WOMAN: Everyone knew Juan.

MAN: I loved that guy. I mean, really -

WOMAN: I remember. I got stuck in the queue once while you two hugged.

MAN: You were there for the hug?

WOMAN: How could I forget it?

MAN starts to get emotional. WOMAN looks away.

WOMAN: Look! Over there!

MAN: What is it?

WOMAN: A whale! Look!

MAN: Oh yeah!

TOGETHER: WOW.

MAN: He’s pounding his tail on the water surface

WOMAN: Oh yeah. Like she’s waving. (She waves, childishly)

MAN: He’s getting rid of the barnacles that attach themselves to his tail. By thumping his tail hard on the surface. See?

WOMAN: Really?

MAN: Yeah.

WOMAN: Shaking off the past..

MAN (dreamily): And he thumped his tail with thunderous ease…and plunged into the deep, dark seas.

WOMAN: Very poetic.

MAN: I wrote it.

WOMAN: You write poetry.

MAN: Not lately. You?

WOMAN: Haikus.

MAN: Five – seven – five isn’t it?

WOMAN: Yes. Well. If you want to be pedantic. It doesn’t really matter as long as you get the gist of something.

MAN: So what’s the gist of this?

WOMAN: Two people wanting to kill themselves.

They look at the whale again, and gasp in awe.

MAN: Wo. Look – it’s breaching again!

Then unexpectedly, she starts to cry a little.

MAN: What’s up?

WOMAN: I don’t know. Just when I’m all organized to do this – a whale appears.

MAN: Yeah it sorta takes you off guard a bit doesn’t it?

WOMAN: It’s sort of like a big send off, you know? I mean, who’d have thought..?

They smile at each other and nod in agreement.

MAN: So! Where were we?

WOMAN: I was just about to push us over the -.

They get into position, inching their way closer to the edge.

MAN: Why are you closing your eyes?

WOMAN: I just think it might be …easier.

They close their eyes and take a deep breath.

MAN: I see what you mean.

WOMAN: Ready?

MAN: Ready.

WOMAN: I mean ..really ready?

MAN: Really ready.

WOMAN: Okay.

MAN: You ready?

WOMAN: Yep.

MAN: Okay. Sure?

WOMAN: Yeah why?

MAN: Just checking.

WOMAN: You?

MAN: Me what?

WOMAN: Ready?

MAN: Sure.

WOMAN: Sure?

MAN: Sure. Sure.

WOMAN: Okay -

TOGETHER: Okay! Let’s –

They are holding onto eachother now, eyes closed, hesitating, literally, for dear life…

MAN (opening his eyes): What’s that….noise?

The faint sound of an approaching plane above them….

MAN: It’s a bloody great metallic angel flying towards us -

WOMAN: One of those tourist planes that take people down the coast..!

They both start to break into emotional tears of joy..

MAN: Oh God - I love life!

WOMAN: And people! I LOVE PEOPLE!

MAN: And - planes!

WOMAN: And people who fly them!

MAN: And whales.

WOMAN: And people who stand on cliffs and change their minds!

MAN: I love them too!

WOMAN: You’re a very nice person you know that?

MAN: So are you.

They hug each other and turning back to the plane, start waving their arms about.

TOGETHER: HEYYYY!

WOMAN: Down here!

MAN: HELP!/

WOMAN: HELP!

She wobbles sideways on her bad ankle –

WOMAN: YOW!

And grabs his bad arm to balance and tips her sideways accidentally. She hops on the spot and nearly goes over the edge.

MAN: WATCH OUT!

WOMAN: Augh! God that was close!

She starts to laugh a little hysterically, he follows, between the pain of their respective injuries.

MAN (grabbing his arm): OW!

WOMAN: OW!

They laugh again then look up at the plane and wave.

TOGETHER: HELP!

End